To be honest...

So I've been going through alot lately, well since the summer. A breakup, isolating myself from family, total confusion. For so long I felt like everyone against me had gotten the best of me. People who were happy my last relationship ended, My ex just seemed to be happier than he's ever been, and my friends sometimes cant seem to understand whats going on inside my head. What no one really knows is that up until recently I cried in my bed every night, wishing that some how Armonee would come to his senses and change. In the same prayer I asked God to guide me, strengthen me and help me see joy throughout my pain. I can honestly say I've finally learned to trust God. Im very seldomly worked up about things I cannot control. I've realized that Even when I mess up God will provide. But more than anything I learned that God is who keeps me one step ahead. Recently me and my ex-boyfriend were on crazy terms, I was falling for him again and he would seem to care every other week. My eyes were so blinded by what we had together I didnt care I was willing to do whatever to be next to him again. Then all of a sudden everything in me changed. I woke up and I was unsure if I still loved him. If you would have asked me that question on 10/1 I would have responded with every inch of my body, Today I can tell you that he was amazing and I will cherish our greatest moments. I prayed constantly for God help ease the pain, If he's for me help me be strong, If he's not make me stronger. I guess i have the strength of Hercules now, because Im over it. And I know with everyone around me either completely for us getting back together or completely against it, Only God could have helped me free myself from being bound to pleasing one person so much that I would neglect myself. He knew the uncertainty in my heart sometimes, He knew the pain had never healed, He knew what was best and he held me every night I cried. Lord knows there were days when i cried so hard I threw up, my head ached for hours. My whole body was sick once he left, stress consumed me. I wanted him more than anything else in this life, I put a man before God. I was ready to do anything and everything to keep him, "Ah Fool BAYBEE". It maybe hard for some people to understand, but this guy had given me everything he had at one point. His love and trust was real for sometime but people have the right to change. Their love is not always consistent. He helped me in ways no other man will ever have to, I felt like owed him my life. How could I just up and leave him, he was there before I was anything worth mentioning. Then I remembered those feeling evolved from my own insecurities. I deserve more but I have always been afraid to ask for more. Maybe im so certain that what I want in a relationship isn't real life, so I settle for just enough.

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