So I've been going through alot lately, well since the summer. A breakup, isolating myself from family, total confusion. For so long I felt like everyone against me had gotten the best of me. People who were happy my last relationship ended, My ex just seemed to be happier than he's ever been, and my friends sometimes cant seem to understand whats going on inside my head. What no one really knows is that up until recently I cried in my bed every night, wishing that some how Armonee would come to his senses and change. In the same prayer I asked God to guide me, strengthen me and help me see joy throughout my pain. I can honestly say I've finally learned to trust God. Im very seldomly worked up about things I cannot control. I've realized that Even when I mess up God will provide. But more than anything I learned that God is who keeps me one step ahead. Recently me and my ex-boyfriend were on crazy terms, I was falling for him again and he would seem to care every other week. My eyes were so blinded by what we had together I didnt care I was willing to do whatever to be next to him again. Then all of a sudden everything in me changed. I woke up and I was unsure if I still loved him. If you would have asked me that question on 10/1 I would have responded with every inch of my body, Today I can tell you that he was amazing and I will cherish our greatest moments. I prayed constantly for God help ease the pain, If he's for me help me be strong, If he's not make me stronger. I guess i have the strength of Hercules now, because Im over it. And I know with everyone around me either completely for us getting back together or completely against it, Only God could have helped me free myself from being bound to pleasing one person so much that I would neglect myself. He knew the uncertainty in my heart sometimes, He knew the pain had never healed, He knew what was best and he held me every night I cried. Lord knows there were days when i cried so hard I threw up, my head ached for hours. My whole body was sick once he left, stress consumed me. I wanted him more than anything else in this life, I put a man before God. I was ready to do anything and everything to keep him, "Ah Fool BAYBEE". It maybe hard for some people to understand, but this guy had given me everything he had at one point. His love and trust was real for sometime but people have the right to change. Their love is not always consistent. He helped me in ways no other man will ever have to, I felt like owed him my life. How could I just up and leave him, he was there before I was anything worth mentioning. Then I remembered those feeling evolved from my own insecurities. I deserve more but I have always been afraid to ask for more. Maybe im so certain that what I want in a relationship isn't real life, so I settle for just enough.
As a little girl i hated "girly" clothes, the piles of pink and puple shirts and dresses were my arched nemesis. As i grew older I expressed myself as a tomboy more and more, khaki shorts, tanks, and sweatpants. My older sisters and younger sisters were always so stunning, beautiful so in tune with fashion. I was the ugly duckling. My older sister Star picked out and dressed me since I was a little girl up until my 17th birthday. Around that time, my little sister Sabbah was already emerging into a fashion icon. Where ever we went she was "fresh", "fly". Me on the other hand I was just chilling, It never meant that much to me to my head was in the books, my feet either on the stage or on the track. I had no time to try to be beautiful, I had to keep it SAVAGE! Thats the only way I knew how to maintain sucess. Late into my junior year, I felt like things needed to change. I had a boyfriend! I needed to look like a girl, feel like a girl. I began to mimic Star daily. Heels and big bags to school, tightly fitted sweaters I was cute lol. The only problem was I couldnt really walk in heels to well, and when people mentioned something about it I would run to the bathroom and just cry. Everything I wore was designer labels but no one seemed to notice. Girls in highschool were wearing Nike outfits and here I am standing in Michael Khors heels and nobody gives me the slightest compliment. I could not fathom what the problem was, why did fashion despise me? My senior year I tried more, me and sabbah fought every morning over different pieces. Heels were a must , even though I had a funny walk. I wore plenty of tight dresses, a few of the latest air maxes, Lord knows my bob game was up to part. I was cute but I still was a non-factor. The turning point was during my senior track season, I ran at Florida relays and it went horrible. My ankle was in so much pain. Meeting up with a doctor and physician they explained to me the damage wearing heels often had on my ankles and feet. If i continued to wear them daily for 7 hours running would be difficult. My freshmen year of college I came in thinking this campus is way too big to wear heels. Soon enough being in an environment that was anti-teambaldhead, took a toll on my self-esteem. I tried to buy clothes my other teammates did, It was always hot on them but blah on me. My only spark was my fascination with scarves. I started buying scarves like crazy, using them for headwraps, belts, anything. Then it was like a domino effect. I decided that I can like clothes, and fashion and it doesnt matter if I was not a fashionista my whole life. My life starts now! That was this summer two months before my 20th birthday, I finally found the courage to find my own way. I started destroying, bleaching, and cutting clothes I always hated. Like this one fleece knitted dress, HORRIBLE! I actually am pretty good at what I do. Im still finding my way but I have learned to embrace myself, my mistakes, what others hate that I love. Most of all i have confidence. And if you were wondering as of today women step back when I walk in heels because my walk is quite intimidating or so i've been told.
Shirt: American Apparrel, Trousers: Styles by Sakira, Shoes: Ebay
Back in Gainesville, Business as usaul. Today is awfully gloomy and I have yet to see my crush (insert sad face). I feel so tall today, i guess its the stacked up oxfords.
How could this happen, how could what I was so sure of in my heart change. Sometimes guilt builds up in my chest, I cant believe I moved on. Of course this is the part where after I've been chasing you for months unsure of your feelings, your so nonchalant. All hopes of us getting back together were crushed, I gave up, my eyes saw too much. I can't share, and hope It'll grow back into something in the future. Either you here or you aint! Somewhere in between all of this, I had a crush and I never thought it would become anything, but right now its the greatest feeling.... If it makes it any better sometimes at night I cry since it feels like im betraying you.
Button Down: Cotton On, Skirt: Urban Threads
This is my last night in Miami, Im so ready to be in route back to gainseville...I can't believe I just said that. I love the city, I adore the city life even more, especially with my family here. The only problem is that im a child here. When im miles away im 20, somedays 24, here im 12 somedays 16. Being confined in a box that others feel is appropriate for me, Im slowly breaking out, but the process is dreadful in the meantime. My mother also found out about my tatto, im relieve and sad, Me and my mother have built a strong relationship recently and i cherish her wisdom and presence in my life more than I ever would have imagined. I hate that she might think differently of me, I didnt mark my body to be rebellious, I just needed to make a move to Start living life for Darshay, and no one else. Being that I can't my hair any shorter I figured that was the next best thing, I love that bow, its the first daring thing I've ever done and since then I've been what I was born to be.....Different!
Button Up: Ebay, Scarf: Cotton On, Shorts: Forever XXI, Tights: Pacsun, Boots: Forever XXI
Today I made an Amaretto Cheesecake Owwwww! I had to spice it up before night falls... more pics to come guys oh btw Thanksgiving in MIAMI!!!
There's not much you can do to discover yourself. Its something you fall into, you wake up days, months, or years later and realize what works for you. Over time I've tried to mimic so many people, their patterns, my older sisters style. Nothing ever worked for me. I recently started experimenting on my own and somedays its great and other days are a bit much, but everyday is me. But when I feel my prettiest, when what I chose to wear flows best I always think of the same person, my mother. She is so alive in me its crazy.
My middle name was given to me after my late Grandmother, Dorothy. Back in the day common names came along with a common nickname. Dorothy has two, Dot and Doll. Convieniently my small facial features and petite frame makes me appear like a Doll as well. Emphasizing the name doll means more than looking like a baby doll, In so many ways the name helps me identify with a woman I share DNA, one I never met. The Doll (Dorothy) I was named after. As a child I despised my name because everyone else had a cool nickname like angel, or laila, and I was Dorothy. But Since I was 17 I have been compelled more and more to this nickname of mine No one had to give me, A nickname I was given the moment they added Dorothy to the middle. I wonder sometimes If she was anything like me, If some where Inside of her she had a sassy attitude she just could not hide.
So I've written two post already today Im not trying to become a pest but I just have to tell you guys about this. Every Month I make it a necessity to buy Vogue, Elle, Nylon and if im lucky W magazines. I love Vogue's articles, the sophisticated writing takes fashion to a form of art. Elle is the Fashion Bible, and W im not even grown enough to appreciate greatness. So this November I finally discovered which magazine inspires me most, so here goes my most loved magazine.....
So As you all can see I am African American, and I wouldnt consider my hair type horrible but it is more than a handful. Recently I made the decision to stop wearing weave, because Im obssessed with bangs and it causes my face to breakout. I cannot deal with bumps on my face at all. So a little while back I went home so my mom could dye my hair, and we had the conversation about trying to create a curly look in my hair similiar to how she wears hers. My mother is my biggest inspiration when it comes to beauty, fashion as well as writing. She has been a cosmotologist for years now and she thought it would be best for me to try a few "white hair" products. She explained to me how so many manufacters of black hair products use chemicals with high levels of acid, which causes breakage in our hair. Two weeks ago I bought The infamous BED HEAD! It was recommended to me by my first college roommate my favorite white girl FAWN. Saturday morning was my first attempt I washed my hair with my normal tresemme shampoo and conditioner. While wet I applied the curling mousse and played with the top of my hair. and blow dried the top of my hair on low. here was the results. My hair is processed, relaxed, every three to four weeks, so Just imagine how it would respond to natural hair.
When Living in Florida it is more than necessary to know the weather Hour by Hour. The Frightening 50 degrees at 7am lead many to layer up, when the temperature rose to 77 in less than an hour. Luckily I pray for wisdom at night, and was already two steps ahead of the game. Today I decided to pair black on black. The combination demands attention, I love it. But i can never just settle for All black everything, I decided to finally embrace the beloved and trending Leopard print. Pinned on the side is a Leopard print bow that was given to me as a gift from my Neice. And if you didnt catch on by now Purple is my favorite color. Purple is also a dark yet eye-catching hue that stands out during the fall. I couldnt Help but dare to be different and finish my ensemble with woody brown colored ankle boots. Earrings are another piece from the Bunker...NO BOYS ALLOWED shopnoboys.com
I have spent most of my weekend sleeping, but I did manage to wash my hair and catch up on some reading for my upcoming History Exam. This week has been crazy. My journal entries from wednesday up to date are filled with confusion, signs of change. The say the only thing constant in life is change, but change is something i desperately despised. For sometime now I have vowed to honesty, to become as transparent and genuine as possible. Telling the truth seems so hard, when your so conditioned to telling a lie. This past week I've discovered my strength in some many different aspects. I acknowledged my weaknesses and have guareded them. What troubles me the most however, is knowing that true love is uncertain until you've reached a dynamic experience of assurance. Praying for Proverbs 31 to come alive in me. In other news Im starting to test my hand at designing, and actually style reporting.
So its been freezing all day in Gainseville, and im just a little baby from Miami. That means im beyond cold, Anywho tonight my Homie crossed over He's a Sigma awww! But In terms of fashion I had to Layer Up! So here it Goes... Button Down:Thrifted, Sweater: Forever XXI, Jean Fur Fux Jacket: Gap, Gray Denim Jeans: Forever XXI, Boots: Doc Martens Also being that i was Freezing and im proudly on TEAM BALD HEAD I had to go with a headwrap, I love head wraps.
So yesterday I picked up a few November Issues, "In Style" and "NYLON" which I love so dearly. Magazines are very intimate to me Its more like a diary then style reports in my opinion. Taking my time out to read several articles, and summarize them (im a journalism major),I stumbled over an article in Nylon about American Fashion. Designers such as betsy johnson and Ralph Lauren were Interviewed and their response to what is American fashion was very similiar. The sporty dominance of american fashion is usaully described as bland but in that very moment another word surfaced, BADASS! So Here Goes Nothing Leather Jacket: Forever XXI, American Flag Tee: Love Culture, Denim Jeans: Forever XXI
Most people would sum up the way i dress in one word DIFFERENT. In my opinion I just fail to follow the rules everyone else was notified about, that list slipped pass me. When I woke up this morning "That Girl" by stevie wonder was playing over and over in my head. So i decided to play the old school tune that inspired every choice of clothing i wore today. "That Girl thinks that she's soo bad... She says she keeps the upper hand" I felt compelled to where something printed, something floral. The music gave life to a vibrant feel. Maybe everything that makes me who I am was something so commonly found in the 80s. Well here goes nothing Guys....That Girl lead me to this girl....
This has been a crazy year for college sports, almost every university with any fame attributed to sports has been thrown under the bus. The NCAA has had quite a handful this year investigating different scandals, most of which relating to compensation of money or benefits. Today on the contrary the world of college sports has a nasty taste in their mouth, anxious to spit out the shame, and anger that is being built up collectively. The pride we have for our athletics demands more of us as people to become role models for the fans cheering for us. There is no way in hell that the hard working men and women training at Penn State should have to be associated with such a troubling story, but they will forever. Accusations place Former Defensive Coordinator in court on charges of sexual assault, child molestation, etc. Nine offenses against him, the now 67 year old got away with his DISGUISTING crimes from 1999 to 2009. A whole decade of young boys who were touched indecesently. Although the head coach reported the incident to his supervisor, the police were never contacted. Now Tim Curley, the athletic director, and Gary Schultz senior vice president of finance and buisness have stepped down after denying accusations in court as "horse playing".
I could speak in riddles and trust me it would sound really smooth, But you guys wouldnt feel me and if you cant feel me I failed!
Good Morning, I should be so depressed that my blog has made barely any progress this week. Instead im so proud that i found the balls to start one anyway. One day they will be a young girl somewhere reading the words i write down, so here goes nothing my first personal post. This morning when i woke up I realized how much I have grown over the past few weeks. Since my 20th birthday I vowed to grow closer to God, love me, to dream big, and to become confident in everything I do. The time between then and now seemed like a blur until this very moment. I can see how I have matured. More concerned with my own style then trends my femininity surfaced. I finally stopped pretending to be holy, or religious and let God work inside me. Now people see me for who I am and although i'm flawed Im genuine.
I love women with all types of hair, long,short, or medium. But some where along the line people decided that women with short hair are either gay, or ugly. UM NOOO!! I love my short hair and personally I dont believe long hair would every suit me the same way, so to My other bald head ladies i would personally like to say YOU ARE GORGEOUS middle finger to what anybody else have to say.
So The game is over and as crazy as things got the last quater, the GATORS pulled through. Im not saying this was game of the year or anything but as a athlete I understand that sometimes you have to just take the win for a win and be done with it.